The spiral nature of healing wounds

awakening narratives (video) spiral learning Sep 11, 2022

By Dr Shuna Marr

In this reflective video, I delve into the concept of learning as a spiral journey. With each revolution, we gain a higher perspective. I share a personal story of a recurring pattern related to interactions with tradesmen, a pattern I'm now in the process of releasing.

As we navigate the awakening transition from 'stumbling spiritual seeker' to 'surefooted pathfinder', we often encounter unhealed wounds resurfacing. These wounds spiral up repeatedly, offering us opportunities for healing.

With time and introspection, we can uncover the root causes and ultimately release these patterns that no longer serve our spiritual growth.

Love

Find the video transcript below

If you want to find out more about the journey from 'stumbling spiritual seeker' to 'surefooted pathfinder', check out The Ascension Path

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The Spiral Nature of Healing Wounds Video Transcript

[00:00:00] Welcome to this Live at Five video. And I'm Shuna Marr, as you no doubt know. And excuse me, I'm still getting over the cough. It's a lot better. I think I'll benefit from taking a little drink of water there. So let's get down to today, what we're talking about. I'm going to be talking about the awakening transition process that I went through in regards to a particular situation and how I handled this same situation when I was unawakened, and then going through the 'Stumbling spiritual seeker stage' that we all go through in the very early days of our awakening through to how we deal with it

[00:00:43] as the surefooted pathfinder, somebody who's actually going beyond, that stumbling stage and is actually confident where we are. So these are, these are terms that I am introducing in to my messaging and I'm going to be talking about them quite sort of regularly. And I have defined the sort of stumbling spiritual seeker as The way that I was... describing very much the way that I was, right at the, at the sort of start of my journey when I was first, a few years ago when I was first sort of unfolding and starting to, to become aware and consciously aware that I was changing and that I was awakening to a new way of being.

[00:01:21] But at that time, I was still very much in working and operating from my conditioning. I started to become aware that I was operating from my conditioning. But I was [00:01:30] quite confused about how to go around a lot of things. I wasn't sure what was happening. I was very much operating from old beliefs and a place of lack and not feeling good enough.

[00:01:40] And often feeling a victim, of situations, not feeling that they were ha... feeling they were happening to me rather than for me. And... When I found things, I very often was being triggered by wounds that I had, which I had to then start to investigate about, about healing. So I don't know if, do you identify with being the stumbling spiritual seeker in any way because that's very much where I was a few years ago, but through the awakening transition process that I have devised in as the methodology that I use in my courses in my teaching.

[00:02:18] I'm helping people to become the surefooted pathfinder, the person who's more confident in themselves, and that's where I feel I am now, trusting that what's happening is happening for me and not to me, that it's for my highest good. Someone with self love, someone who recognizes when they're triggered and who can quickly bring themselves back to peace because they've got the tools to do so.

[00:02:43] So what I wanted to, to talk to you about today was, um, about the spiral thread of learning that we go through and I was particularly wanting to talk to you about it because I [00:03:00] had a trigger at the weekend and excuse me, I had a trigger at the weekend and I immediately recognized that I was triggered.

[00:03:14] And I immediately recognized that it was a repeating pattern. And what I wanted to explain to you was to go through in my lifetime, the five, um, instances in my life where this particular instance, this particular thread of learning has happened in my life and how it has spiraled round and how in each time I handled it differently.

[00:03:44] And then, yeah, Brenda said: absolutely. You recognize with it. A certain amount of fragility often second guessing, feeling a fraud. Yes, that's very often where we are. We're stumbling. We're still feeling unsure of ourselves. We're still very confused. We're not sure what is that's going on. We're not. We're not, we're not in that place of centeredness.

[00:04:02] We're not in that place of self love. We're not in that place of radical acceptance. We're not yet in that place where we're trusting that everything happens for us as our highest and best good and getting into that place of trust, acceptance and surrender to what's happening. And, um, and that's the process and the journey that we go through.

[00:04:19] And it took me several years and that's the process and journey that I am helping people to make, and to make it in a way, more sure footedly [00:04:30] than I did. In a quicker and more supported way than I often went through. Sorry. So these particular, these five particular instances are about where I have had interactions with tradesmen or people that I've been working with in a, in a kind of trade capacity, where halfway through the job or on the job,

[00:04:53] they changed the goalposts and tried to charge me extra money for it. And the first time that I remember this particularly happening was 20 years ago, and it was to do with my garden. And when we first moved here into this house, and you've all seen pictures of my garden, and you know, it's a big garden.

[00:05:11] But at the time of it, I used to only have the right hand side, but the man who'd lived here before us had been here for 30 years. He was 90 when he died and he really couldn't cope with the garden. And so pretty much from the top of the garden from the grass all the way down to the bottom.

[00:05:26] So it's like 100 feet, it was just six foot high and brambles. It was absolutely, totally and impenetrable and we had to get landscape gardeners in to do it. And we got this guy who talked a really good story and he came in and we had had an architecture ... garden architect to draw up plans and I had put in all the things that I wanted to have and I'd spent ages and ages looking at all these garden books and designing and putting all in, and, um, but because I was working full time at the time, and it was being done in January and February, what would happen was, [00:06:00] um, we would go off to work Monday and come home Monday night and Tuesday and, you know, and so from Monday to Friday, I was going away in the dark and coming home in the dark, because in Scotland, you know, it's dark when you leave in the winter months.

[00:06:14] And it wasn't until the weekend that I would see the progress that they had been doing for the whole week. Over the few weeks that they did it, each week that went past, they weren't doing it the way that I wanted it. And The steps that I wanted. Oh, well we didn't do that. We changed the steps and we've done that differently out and we're not doing this.

[00:06:34] And instead of having the york stone that I wanted, we've put this red sand stone on it. And we're, um, and you wanted to have this archway, but we've decided that you're going to put in trees and, and you wanted to do this, but we're not doing that. And you wanted to have this waterfall that ran all the way down, but instead we've put this stupid little mound thing.

[00:06:49] And the whole point about it was, is that this guy, and every time I came up against it, I would go and say, well, that's not what I asked for. And he was such a strong, powerful, well, I felt I was giving my power away to this guy because I would go up and say to him, that's not what I wanted. And by the end of it, he just sort of browbeat me and he was very forceful and assertive.

[00:07:10] And at that stage, I was totally unconfident and, and totally unassertive and really handing my power away to people right, left, and center. That was where I was back then. And. And in the end, it wasn't anything that I wanted. Um, but when he sent us in the bill and it was a lot of money, it was [00:07:30] 20 odd years ago and it was still £18, 000.

[00:07:31] It was a lot of money. I just paid it, even though for the next two decades, I hated the garden and I disconnected from it and whatever. And I recognize now the perfection of that, of course, and why that happened. But at the time I felt totally victimized by the whole thing. I felt aggrieved. I was, I was felt wounded by it all.

[00:07:50] And I felt that I had been browbeaten, totally unassertive. And that was the way is that I just, I just didn't do anything. I just gave in. I just caved completely and handed in the money. Even though for 20 years after that, I carried that wound, that anger. Every time I thought about it, I would get angry.

[00:08:07] I would get triggered by it all. So that was the kind of initial wound that went into this. And then about 15 years ago, um, so maybe a few years after that, we were getting some flat pack furniture built in my son's bedroom. And we got a guy who specialized in coming in and putting in flat pack furniture.

[00:08:28] And we agreed how much it was going to be. And it was going to have plinths at the top and bottom and, and it was all going to get put in and we agreed the price. And when it got to the end of it, he said, Oh no, no, I didn't say that I was going to put the plinths in and I'm not doing this and whatever. And I ended up trying to argue with the guy and, um, and he just stood his ground and argued with me.

[00:08:52] And in the end, I got so upset. I just flounced out the door and grabbed my car [00:09:00] keys, slammed the door, got into the car and drove away in high dugeon. Classic flight response. Now I recognize that, but I didn't realize it at the time. But a classic avoidance. I could not face up to it. I couldn't, I couldn't face up to this.

[00:09:14] Um, it was, it really was too much and I was overwhelmed by it all. And I just ran away because I couldn't, I was being triggered by it. And, um, I just ran away. And then a few years after that, there was a tiler in the house who was, who'd agreed the price for tiling the bathroom. And he said, and I said, okay, we're going to tile the bathroom.

[00:09:32] But when I came back and I, I found these little small tiles which were smaller than the bigger ones who'd he'd had in mind when he'd originally quoted. And when I saw these smaller tiles, um, I said, look, the tiles that have chosen are smaller. Is that going to cost more?

[00:09:47] And he goes, oh, don't worry about it. we'll just sort it out. And so I thought, He had said, no, don't worry about it, that, it wasn't gonna cost anymore. But then at the end it did. He'd, he asked for a lot more and, and I, at that point didn't run away. But what I got angry, which of course is fight. So as soon as you get triggered by something, we either, like, the first time I did it, it was a freeze response where I just froze and I couldn't argue, I couldn't do it.

[00:10:16] I just kind froze and just paid over the money and said nothing. The second time, I ran away and the third time I fought, I stood my ground and fought, but I was, I was really upset about it all. So each of [00:10:30] the times I got upset, but each time I didn't. And if you actually look at the progression of each of these freezing or flight or fight were all classic responses to that kind of triggering where there was a, there was a wound, there was a trigger and you go into flight, fight, or freeze mode.

[00:10:49] And that's mostly the way that people operate from in this in condition state where we're still working from our wounding or patterning or programming. And these were three instances that came around and I don't know if if you've ever had any instances where where you've got where you've got that.

[00:11:07] But what I, I've started to recognize is that these are three instances where each time I had had to organize and speak to a guy with, um, who was changing the goalposts in the middle of the, the agreement, and then trying to charge more money for it. And, uh, I recognize not, not at that time, but have since recognized that that was a pattern, a repeating pattern.

[00:11:31] Um, and then about three years ago, now this is the point where I was into the early stages of my awakening. And the full awakening that I had, we... I started to do the... change over the garden. I started to reconnect with the garden and decide that this stuff that had happened to me 20 years ago, I was going to let go.

[00:11:51] I was going to reconnect to the garden. I was going to get the garden done the way I wanted it to get done. So all of that red sandstone came off and it's ended up being made into the [00:12:00] lovely stepping stones and the rockery and the beds down at the bottom of the garden. Um, so because the sandstone itself was nothing wrong with it.

[00:12:07] It was just, it was not what I wanted and it was falling off the walls. And I got it all with this lovely yellow York stone. And I got, I got the, um, the, the, the big grand staircase, as I call it, and things all done and a new patio put in. And the guy who came, I'd seen him somewhere else. He was actually doing a really nice job for somebody along the road from me.

[00:12:28] And I had approached him and I said, do you think you could come along and have a, um, and do this with me? And, you know, have a look at mine and look, here are the horrible steps that are, you know, huge and not great. And, and here's the beds that I want you know, can you take this off? Can you do this? Can you fix it all out?

[00:12:43] So I had a chat with him, we agreed a price and he said it would take six days. So that was great. And what happened was very quickly, we started to realize that there was no way that he was going to do it in six days, and it's a very, very long involved story and I'm not going to repeat it all here because it doesn't, it's not really part of the thing but, but what ended up was, it ended up from being six days to being six weeks.

[00:13:13] And in each of that, the price went up and the price had to go up, and because he needed to buy more materials and he'd run out of materials and the material that he had had got halfway down the stairs, and then he'd realized that he wasn't going to be able to To do it. And, and it was his in, it was his incompetence [00:13:30] because he was still very new.

[00:13:31] And I, I took pity on the guy and I realized that he was still very new at this game. And although he had worked in as and, and, um, his time as the apprentice and actually was very, very good at the steps and the stairs and doing all that, that, I mean, the work was excellent. Um, he really wasn't good at the business side of things.

[00:13:49] He really wasn't good at, um, organizing the the cost and how much it was going to cost to do all that. Um, and so he'd underestimated, grossly underestimated how it was. And he also came and started with a team of four. But for various, , reasons, the young guy ended up, the young guys that were there ended up, um, getting sacked.

[00:14:07] And then the older guy who was doing the brick work ended up saying, well, I'm away on holiday for a fortnight and I've finished the job and I've done my bit and he was off. And so it ended up being him on his own and he often didn't come. And so, as I say, it ended up being six weeks. And I recognized that I was being put in a position of being of of having to negotiate and stand my ground and do it all.

[00:14:29] And, um, it was a process at the time, and, and in the end, eventually, there was there came the last day where I said to him, you know, he kept on coming to me for money and saying, I can't pay the guys and I can't buy the materials if you don't give me money. And I said, but you're not finished. And you said you were going to be finished after six days.

[00:14:50] And it's now six weeks into, and eventually that was, it started in October and it was now almost Christmas and, um, and the days were getting shorter and it was getting darker. [00:15:00] And eventually, um, he said, well, that's us, you know, we're getting to the point where we're finished. Now, can you give us the last thousand pounds?

[00:15:06] And I said, no, not until you're off, whatever. And, um, and then he was, he was wheedling and, and, uh, and please, please. And I had to say, well, no, because you know, you, you, you keep on, you keep on pushing the boundaries, pushing the boundaries, pushing the boundaries, and that's not fair. And so anyway, I ended up having to stand my ground.

[00:15:27] And on the last day, I didn't give him the money until I said, no, he said, well, I'll come back tomorrow and I'll take this off. I said, John, I don't trust you. You have to know you're not getting the money until everything is off. Your entire, um, everything is off the, off, off the, off the ground. And in the end, um, it was like pitch dark , in the middle of December and he was tossing his cement mixer in the back of the van and whatever to carry it away.

[00:15:53] And, um, and, and we ended up, we paid him and that was it. The end result is gorgeous. I mean, I love it. And it was worth all the money that we did it. But the whole process of what we went through on, on that particular basis was, um, understanding and sort of putting me through where I was constantly having to renegotiate with this guy.

[00:16:10] And I recognized it at that time that this was, I mean, I was still kind of stumbling and working my way out. But this weekend, something happened and the same thing happened again. Um, and this time it was an architect who we'd done some work for, and, or he had done some work for us, and, and, um, and he was [00:16:30] also going on to do, um, another job, but then the other job has now been postponed.

[00:16:33] And because the other job has now been postponed, I said, well, that's great. Thanks very much. You know, that's, that's it. It's done. And he then came back and he said, Hmm, um, well I did this and I did that and I did the other. So I'm going to, I want to charge you. Um, and I want to send you in a bill for, for the money that I've, the time that I've put in.

[00:16:52] And it's going to be, and it was a thousand pounds. So when I got that in, I thought, right. Emotional response. What am I feeling? I'm feeling triggered. Um, I, I recognized it straight away that it was, I recognized straight away that, um, it was a trigger and I realized immediately I'm triggered here. I'm feeling emotional.

[00:17:18] All right, I'm in the story. Okay. I'm going round and round and round and I'm telling myself a story here. What's the story? Okay, the story is that, you know, that's not fair. And, and this is, um, where I am. And, um, and, and, and he did this and I said that, and he said, the other end, I did this. And okay. So I recognized straight away, first of all, that I was triggered, recognizing that it's a story that I was telling myself.

[00:17:43] And then also, um, realizing that, It wasn't a good idea to sit and I had to sit with it until I could bring it to balance. So I did some meditation on it. I did some card reading on it and I just [00:18:00] allowed it to be, and it came in on Saturday evening. I allowed myself the whole of Sunday, and I didn't do anything.

[00:18:09] So I thought about, so on Saturday evening, I was all in the process. On the Sunday I thought, right, my cards are saying this is for about strength. It's about power. It's about standing in my power, but approaching it from a position of love. Okay. I recognize that it's about standing in a position of love.

[00:18:27] All right. How can I approach this from this position of love? Someone who is bringing themselves to peace. And. I just let it be. I just sat with it again for a little bit longer. And then this morning I woke up and I, I just thought, that's it. I found it. I found that centre peace because it suddenly just came.

[00:18:50] I said, this is a repeating pattern. It's not happening to me. It's happening for me. And because it's happening for me, what I can do is I can see. What is it trying to teach me? It's trying to help me and empower me in some way. And I'm not a victim in this. This is a lesson that's been presented to me that I can learn from and grow from.

[00:19:13] And, um, it's time to take that spiral and realize and see it from that higher perspective and look back to the roots of it. Look back to the root of this. And then recognize that this has been a repeating pattern, that there was a wound that happened. [00:19:30] 20 odd years ago when that first gardener guy did that and I was wounded and disempowered and felt out of control and felt that it had been unfair and I felt a victim, and that wounding was still being carried and each time I had done it I'd approached it slightly differently.

[00:19:47] And the, the, the thing three years ago where the steps had allowed me to work through and process this, but this was now coming round to give me the chance to step in to the Surefooted Pathfinder stage. So you know that, you know, the, the person, the empowered person. And realizing and recognizing that the, the position and the, and what I was looking at was that I was triggered.

[00:20:06] I saw the pattern, I sat with it. I then saw, do you know something? There is no value on this. This is completely neutral. It's a completely neutral event. The only value that's being attached to it is what I choose to put that value. I can look at this and I can say I am paying nothing to this man. I can look at it and say, okay, I'll pay him the thousand pounds.

[00:20:31] I can look at it and see any point in between. I can say... I can see that we were looking at this from entirely different perspectives, that his perspective had been looking at it from his point of view about valuing his time and whatever. And I was looking at it from my point of view, which was that I had invited him along to say, look, you know, you've been, you live, um, just along the road, you want to pop along for five minutes, or do you want to do this for two minutes?

[00:20:56] And he had been saying, well, actually, I'm going to charge that as a [00:21:00] site visit when it was just two minutes along the road. So anyway, that's the story that I was in, but I Cycled above and looked above the story, recognized the pattern, recognized that I was being invited to bring it into unity, recognizing that there was no value, there was no good, bad, right or wrong about this, it was all neutral, it was only what I applied to it and I had choices, I could make my choices, and I couldn't take responsibility for his reactions, I couldn't take responsibility for the way that he thought about it, I couldn't take responsibility for how he reacted. I couldn't base my decisions based on whether or not he would like them or not, because, because a lot of time we do that because we fear their response, we fear, we want to protect ourselves, we try to second guess ourselves about what they will do so that we can protect ourselves and thinking, well, you know, he has his point of view.

[00:21:57] But I am allowed to have my point of view, and my point of view is that I, in my empowered and balanced way and in a non emotional way, can go back to this chap and say, well, here's my perspective, and this is what I have said, and while, you know, I'm willing to accept that, that you have put in the time and effort, I think that you have to take some responsibility for overstepping the mark and for not giving me, and you can't really, in all, retrospectively and arbitrarily apply a price to which I have not agreed, and which you haven't given me the power to be able to make informed choices as to whether [00:22:30] or not I would commit to that.

[00:22:31] And I said, you can't really come in retrospectively decide that you were going to charge me for stuff that we hadn't agreed up front. And I felt, and I haven't had the response back from him and that's okay, because the whole point of it is I feel empowered. I feel empowered that I have put in a very reasonable and, um, unemotional way.

[00:22:52] I've put my point of view over and I'm not attached to the outcome. I'm not attached to, you know, so I mean, if push comes to shove and we have to do it, then we will pay them the money. Um, but I think that, um, I think that he'll compromise and he'll see it from my point of view, but it doesn't really matter.

[00:23:09] That's not, that's the story. And that's just the way it plays out. The whole point about it is, is that you go through a process. When I was going through the very early stages of, well, when I was not awakened, I was. I was being wounded, I was being triggered, and I was going into the classic flight, fight or freeze response, which is the way that most people operate, and I was feeling anxiety about it, and I carried that wounding and carried that anger and carried that anxiety and emotional stuff in my body for 20 years after that.

[00:23:40] And it wasn't until a few years ago when I reconnected with the garden, that I actually Forgave myself, forgave the garden, and even forgave the gardener, the landscape gardener who did it, and came to a point of seeing and understanding that I had, I had had to go through a process of disconnecting from the [00:24:00] garden to be able to come back to it for all sorts of other reasons.

[00:24:02] Those are different threads in my life. But this particular thread, this one little thread of coming back round is this spirals round again and again to give you the opportunity to revisit it and to see it from a higher perspective, and to be able to approach it from a slightly different point of view, and to be able to say, and this is what happens

[00:24:21] in all our learning. Our learning is spiral, and we find the same, same situations, um, um, the same situations come around again and again, and I just see that a post has come in from, from Brenda here. So it says uncannily, well, there's no such thing as a. It's a synchronicity that very often does I get that you know the stuff is flying around in the air and that you happen to see it because you needed to see it and I was seeing this because this is something that I was sharing but, and you went to you didn't know I was doing a live session no I only decided two hours ago I was doing it.

[00:24:54] And you've been doing section one of the OK I'm Awakening course on sabotage and triggers and mirroring. So these experiences really resonate well that's great. Thank you very much. Um, Um, and you have been out of sorts for the last couple of months being defensive and angry and I did not recognize the issues except in retrospect. Revisiting these sessions is helping me to recognize the pattern of how I've sabotaged myself and given my power away.

[00:25:18] Well, that is absolutely brilliant. That's a smashing thing to do. And so which case my purpose is served that I've helped somebody through, through sharing what I have been going through. So, as I say, [00:25:30] this is the This is, uh, has been about about triggering and how, as we go through our awakening process, we start to recognize these patterns, we start to spiral back around them.

[00:25:42] Each time we go around them, we see them from a higher perspective. And each time we go around them, we learn how to deal with the wounding. And once we've got to the point where we have attached and got back all the way to the core root, and where we have come to that point of mastery. That particular instance tends not to happen again because you're not attracting it to you, because each time you go around, it comes around and is attracted to you to give you a chance to heal it.

[00:26:09] And if you manage to heal a bit of it, but you still not got to the root and core of it, it will spiral around again and about around again. But this time, I feel that the, well, the message that I got from Spirit when I, when I did my card reading for this, I said, this is a chance for you once and for all to finally, um, Release and let go of this pattern, because you no longer need... it's no longer serving you.

[00:26:29] This is a pattern that you don't need in your life anymore. You don't need to attract this to you. So what I've done, so what I did was I, I approached it from a position of love. I approached it from a position of neutrality. I brought myself quickly recognized quickly that I was doing and I gave myself the 24 hours.

[00:26:47] Um, 30 odd hours that I needed to bring it back into unity and once I was in unity, then I moved forward from that space and the energy that I sent to him was I, when I did the email, I was sending it from a position of [00:27:00] love. I was sending it from a position of centeredness. I was sending it from a position of balance.

[00:27:04] And that's why I believe that the, the energy he will receive from that. Whereas if I had written it straight away, I would have been doing it from the energy of anger. I would have been doing it from the energy of triggering. I would have been doing it from the energy of polarity. But when you bring it here to yourself, you bring it back into your center, you bring it back into unity, bring it back into balance, and then go from there, then you're sending a different energy into the world.

[00:27:29] I hope this has been useful for you. And obviously Brenda has said it is but if you're also watching on the replay. I hope this has been useful for you if you have, I would love you to, to, to. Uh, mention it in the comments below and if you feel that the, um, the stumbling spiritual seeker or the sure footed pathfinder are terms that you think that, um, describe you, then, um, then let me know whereabouts you feel you are on that journey and through the awakening transition process.

[00:28:00] So that's it for today. Uh, just keeping it nice and short and sweet. And, I'm glad to be back and I'm glad that I didn't cough too much. And I'm looking forward to, to speaking to you all again very soon. Okay. That's it for today. Thanks for Brenda for being with me live. And thank you for watching on the replay.

[00:28:16] Bye for now.