Let's Talk about Triggering
Jul 20, 2022
By Roslyn Jayne
Let's talk about triggering and why our children are so good at setting off the cycle.
Hi, I’m Roslyn, of Conscious Parenting Life, which is a new brand under the Spiritual Awakening Support umbrella.
In case we've not met before, I’m a mum of two, a high level empath and accomplished energy healer. I’ve been on my own enlightenment path for twenty years, and consciously awakened since early 2017.
For the past three years I’ve been working with my Mum, Shuna, to develop and grow our business Spiritual Awakening Support, guiding people through their awakening journey.
I'm now also going to be leading Conscious Parenting Life and I'm passionate about sharing useful information, hints and tips to support you in your conscious parenting journey (whether you are a parent, a grandparent, or other type of caregiver for young children).
This is my first post on the Spiritual Awakening Support blog (it won't be my last) and it's on a subject that's probably one of the most key ones around conscious parenting ...
and it's about...
triggering and why our children are so good at setting us off on a cycle of revealing unhealed trauma.
Triggering
So, let’s be frank… as much as we love our kids, we all know that there are times when they can drive us completely crazy.
They do something that just makes us want to howl at the moon…
We get frustrated and angry…
We feel like screaming “just do as you’re told!” and wonder why everything has to be an argument…
Finally things come to a head and either parent, child, or usually both, end up feeling rubbish and upset.
Sound familiar?
This is the Triggering cycle...
The Behaviour: The child exhibits behaviour driven by unmet needs and desire for connection and security
The Trigger: The parent is triggered due to unresolved wounding or unmet need of their own
The Reaction: Parent reacts by punishing, shaming, shouting or withdrawing
The Wounding: The child is upset and scared that the love will go away and so rejects that part of themselves
The triggering cycle is like so many other things we encounter on our awakening journey, where the main thing you need to understand is…
... and this is super important so I really need you to focus here…
IT’S NOT ABOUT THEM, IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!
Now that may sound harsh, you may even be feeling triggered at this very moment....
... but stick with me.
We are on a healing journey
As we undertake our Awakening Journey one of the first things we learn is that we have lots of things to clear and let go of before we can move forward.
Old conditioning, false beliefs, unhealed wounds and childhood traumas have all been hiding in our unconscious mind and are now coming up, one by one, to be healed.
This is incredibly important work, but most of the time it relies on the unhealed wounds to be brought to our conscious attention before we can work through and release them.
Well, lucky for us, our children are absolute experts at bringing these traumas to our conscious attention by triggering us.
Those little angels can just push all the right buttons to get our nervous system jumping and our teeth grinding, especially in moments when we are lacking in self-care and our energy reserves are depleted.
However, before we start yelling, we must remember that our little ones are only mirroring back to us what needs to be healed and released..in us!
So let’s look at an example.
We’re in the middle of the shopping centre and hurrying to meet my parents for lunch. My son asks to go to the toy shop and I explain that we can go on the way back but just now we’re going to meet Grandma and Grandpa.
He doesn’t want to wait that long, he wants to go now, so he goes into meltdown and starts to cry and scream and drops to his knees on the floor.
This will be a familiar scene to any parent of a toddler, but suddenly I find myself going into 'fight or flight' mode.
My nervous system is jumping and I’m flooded with anger at my son for making a scene and making us late.
What’s going on here? Is it really about my son?
He’s 3, and patience is a learned skill. It’s completely normal for kids his age to have meltdowns about things that seem small to us, because those same things feel big to them.
Maybe he’s hungry, maybe he’s tired, maybe he’s struggling through a leap of cognitive development and it’s all a bit overwhelming.
The point is it really doesn’t matter, because my reaction is not about him or his behaviour.
My reaction is linked to my own false beliefs, traumas and unhealed wounds.
I’m remembering (mostly unconsciously) being shouted at and punished for having a “tantrum” when I was little.
Being shamed for embarrassing my parents and being told how my behaviour reflected on them.
I’m worrying whether my son’s behaviour is reflecting on me and what the other shoppers are thinking, if they’re judging me.
I’m wondering what my parent’s reaction will be, if they hear him, and how they’ll respond to us being late, especially when I was told so many times as a child about the importance of punctuality.
Once we start to unpick the situation, we can see that the root of the issue isn’t my son’s behaviour at all, it’s the fear, shame and unhealed trauma that I’ve been carrying around with me since I was his age.
So this is the KEY MOMENT, this is the choice we all have as conscious parents and caregivers.
Do we perpetuate the generational trauma cycle by responding to our child the way our parents responded to us? Creating in our child the same wounds that will need to later be unpicked in adulthood.
OR
Do we take a deep breath, realise that this is something coming up to be healed in us, and respond to our child with COMPASSION AND EMPATHY?
Understanding that “they are not giving ME a hard time...THEY are having a hard time”.
The second path is definitely the more challenging but is BY FAR the most worthwhile.
Breaking generational cycles really is THE GREATEST GIFT we can give our little ones.
Triggering is a big topic and I'll be revisiting it in more depth in upcoming emails, blogs, posts and reels so keep an eye out for more content!
Love
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