From Regret to Redemption: Reframing A Story after 33 years
Aug 24, 2022
by Roslyn Jayne, featuring Dr Shuna Marr
Below is a story shared by my Mum, Shuna, about an unhealed trauma from her first weeks as a new parent.
This wounding was brought to the surface when I had my first child and found myself in a similar position.
It’s a beautiful tale of reframing, reparenting, healing and releasing that which no longer serves us.
❤️❤️SHUNA’S STORY❤️❤️
This is about a cathartic experience I went through just after Roslyn had given birth to my grandson (now aged 3).
It's about reframing stories from the past, and it's centred around the very different experience I had when I was trying to breastfeed Roslyn, compared to the experience Roslyn had when beginning to breastfeed my grandson.
My experience of trying to breastfeed was a very disempowering one.
I had Roslyn in hospital by c-section because she was transverse (lying across the way) and I was told that it was dangerous to attempt a normal delivery.
The system that was in place at the maternity hospital was one where I was expected to conform and do as I was told by the nurses and doctors.
The baby was taken away in between feeds and brought back at certain times. I was told I had to choose between breastfeeding or formula and not to mix the two.
I was so determined to feed her myself that I choose the breastfeeding route -
but I was exhausted from the c-section (I went into shock afterwards and was in intensive care for 2 days) ...and I wasn't shown how to feed properly.
Nobody in the hospital came to show me how to get the wee one to latch on.
So the baby didn't get a good latch and my nipples bled and became so painful.
Nipple shields were thick and difficult to use. There weren't the sophisticated breast pumps that Roslyn had access to (this was 37 years ago).
I was so determined to feed her myself that I didn't even have any bottles or formula in the house.
After I came home from hospital, I soldiered on, continually being told by the visiting midwives that I shouldn't mix breast and bottle.
I had nobody supporting me to breastfeed, and even my mum was encouraging me to give up because she said the baby wasn't getting enough milk (i.e. I wasn't 'good enough').
All the messages I got were to feed by bottle.
But, I kept going - because it meant a lot to me.
Then one night, after 6 weeks, I just became in so much pain and was so exhausted, that I couldn't do it any more. I just collapsed in a heap of tears.
My husband went out in the late evening to buy a bottle and formula and I gave up.
I felt such a failure ... and I carried that grief and pain for 33 years until my grandson was born in 2019.
At which time....
Roslyn also had a c-section, but her experience was so different.
The breastfeeding support nurses came round in the hospital, and after she came home, to support and help her establish a feeding routine.
There was an encouragement to have a mix between formula and breast until her milk flow was established
- to begin with, the baby had more formula than breast, but over six weeks Roslyn pumped and grew her milk supply and eventually she was able to exclusively breastfeed.
She's now fed my grandson for over 3 years and my granddaughter for the past year, tandem feeding with them both.
***
In the early days after my grandson was born, I was there one time when the breastfeeding support nurse was visiting.
I told her of my experience and she helped me to reframe my old story of failure.
She told me that the advice people were given at that time has since been proven to be wrong and she thought a whole generation of women had been badly served.
She said that, considering all the odds and pressure and advice against me feeding, the fact that I'd still managed to do it for 6 weeks, made me a hero in her eyes.
Not a failure.
It suddenly reframed the whole way I'd been casting myself in that story - I'd seen myself as a victim, disempowered and a failure.
I was now able to recast myself as a hero of my journey - same circumstances, but with a different perspective on it.
I've since reflected on what that experience brought to me, because in truth, the circumstances were neutral, except for the meaning I gave to them.
I'd chosen a disempowering story for 33 years and could now reframe with a more empowering slant.
But overall, how had that experience served me?
Things always happen for our highest and best good, even when they sorely challenge us.
I now see that this was a story that I lived through to expressly experience this sense of failure and disempowerment....
.... so that now, as I support other people through their awakening....
I am able to relate to their similar stories of disempowerment and help them to see how to reframe their stories, and regain their power.
❤️❤️END❤️❤️
I hope that Shuna’s example of reframing the stories we tell ourselves has given you something to think about.
Is there an experience in your past that you could reframe to look at from a different angle?
I'd love to hear about them - you can DM me on Instagram - and please see our related offer below.
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If this speaks to you, or you've been triggered by it, you may be interested in The Awakened Parenting Journey Toolkit! Whatever your relationship to the little ones in your life, this toolkit has something for you. It combines an webinar with multiple worksheets, exercises, affirmations and meditation.
