Unburdening my Inner child: Navigating the Path from Trigger to Transformation

by Dr Shuna Marr

Triggers often sneak up on us, unearthing wounds we thought had long healed. But instead of pushing them away, I've come to see them as signposts pointing me to deeper healing. Within every trigger lies a gift—a chance to uncover hidden parts of ourselves and bring them into the light.

This is the story of a recent trigger that helped me reconnect with a part of me that had been burdened for far too long.

I hope that by sharing how this unfolded for me, you might find something in it that resonates with your own journey.

The Moment of the Trigger

As part of the process of creating a multigenerational home with our daughter and son-in-law, my husband Ken and I decided to draw up a legal agreement to make sure all parties were protected. This week, a lovely lady solicitor came to our home to discuss it and we began to talk about the journey of our house.

My husband began telling a story about how frustrating it had been to try and get utility companies to recognise we were now one house (since we put in an internal staircase to join two flats into one house).

As he got into the story and began to connect with the emotion of his frustration, his tone grew more animated as he recounted the details and he shifted into what I call his 'rant-mode'. It always makes me most uncomfortable when he gets agitated and so I said:

"I don't think we need to hear about all that, dear"

Next morning, I was lying in bed in that state where things drift through your mind, and I reflected on how I had shut him down, politely - but still very firmly.

As I lay there, feeling very uncomfortable about it, I realised that that's always a sign that there's something coming up to be seen.

As I gently probed those feelings, I recognised that this wasn’t the first time I’d felt uneasy when Ken’s energy shifted into something more charged. In fact, whenever he gets upset, I immediately try to shut it down.

Where was this coming from?

Slowly, I began to trace the thread back to my childhood.

This discomfort wasn’t really about Ken; it was an old story reawakening in my body, one that began long before he entered my life.

Growing up, my relationship with my mum was complicated. She was emotionally volatile and her tantrums often filled our home with tension. I learned quickly that my safety depended on keeping her calm. If I failed, I’d hear my dad’s reproachful words: “Why did you set her off? You know what she’s like.”

In those moments, I absorbed an unspoken lesson: it was my job to manage others’ emotions. My dad’s blame only cemented this belief, making me feel as though the entire emotional stability of the family rested on my young shoulders.

Many of us carry similar patterns, shaped by early family roles, into our adult relationships—reacting not to the present moment, but to echoes of the past.

Recognising the Pattern

When Ken went into his rant, my body reacted as though I were back in that childhood dynamic. His heightened energy felt chaotic—too much, too dangerous. My nervous system interpreted it as a threat, hence why I tried to shut him down. My inner child, still carrying the weight of those old beliefs, leapt into action to restore “safety.”

But in reality, Ken’s frustration wasn’t dangerous. My reaction wasn’t about him at all—it was about an old pattern still playing out within me.

Why I shut him down

First came the insight on why I shut him down: 26 years ago when I separated from my first husband and got together with Ken, my mum and dad and brothers didn’t like him. He was very different and I think my mum felt threatened. My dad and brothers were well trained in protecting my mother because she had made everyone around her responsible for keeping her calm. So they closed ranks and pressure started to be put on me to conform to the family dynamic.

To begin with, I did try to conform and I tried to shut Ken down to the point that the poor man could hardly say a thing when we saw them - but still it wasn’t enough. I was changing and that obviously threatened mum. It ended up that our relationship broke down and we didn’t speak for ten years.

However, even although in the intervening years I did huge amounts of inner work and eventually repaired my relationship with my mum and brought it to healing before she died in 2022, this little remnant has remained.

The key insight

I’ve realised that when I got together with Ken 26 years ago, I was also a volatile tempered person who emulated a lot of the behaviour of my mum. Ken is 10 years older and very calm. He loves me unconditionally and doesn’t get set off by other people. It’s faulty machinery and systems that set him off (like the 'jobsworth' attitudes of utility companies lol). Whereas I’m very calm and patient with sorting out stuff like that and it’s emotions that trigger me.

I can now see that, in the early days of our relationship, I began to co-regulate my emotions with his. I’d never had a safe space to do that within my family as it was a very unsafe environment for my nervous system.

However, it felt a safe haven to regulate myself with someone who was calm.

We were also codependent in other ways. I began unpicking that in 2020, after I realised how dependent we were on each other. I knew that, at the time, that had been necessary. I’d needed him to be my anchor while I was dealing with all the rest of the world outside. But once that was more sorted I was then less reliant on him for that.

This incident is showing me that I am now ready to also take responsibility for my own emotional regulation.

Ken’s calmness and stability have clearly provided a sense of safety, but it also seems like his rare moments of frustration trigger old fears rooted in my childhood. So when he becomes heated or upset, I become very upset because I feel unsafe. And so I try to shut him down, so I can feel safe.

Recognising that my upset stems from feeling unsafe is a massive step.

This isn’t about his behaviour; it’s about an old trauma being activated.

Now that I’ve seen it, I can reframe those moments and begin to consciously choose safety from within, rather than relying on external regulation.

The Evolution of Co-Regulation:

1. Safety in Ken’s Calmness:
Ken offered me something I’d never had before: a safe, calm emotional environment. It’s natural that I began to lean on him to help regulate my emotions, especially after coming from a background where safety was tenuous, and emotional volatility was the norm.

2. Growth Through Dependency:
While our dynamic may have had elements of codependency, it wasn’t dysfunctional—it served a purpose. At that time, I needed his stability to create a foundation from which I could address the external challenges and heal internal wounds. Dependency isn’t inherently bad if it’s a step on the way to greater independence.

3. Recognising Readiness for Independence:
This realisation led me to examine the deeper patterns behind my emotional reactions—patterns formed long before Ken’s calm presence entered my life. The unpicking I started in 2020 seems to have been part of my journey toward greater self-reliance. Now, with this latest insight, I'm recognising that the reliance on Ken’s calmness for my emotional regulation is no longer necessary. I’ve grown to the point where I can provide that safety for myself.

Finding the Lost Part of Me

As I reflected, I realised there was a part of me—a young, overburdened child—who still believed her safety depended on keeping everyone else calm. She carried beliefs that had once been necessary for survival but were no longer serving me:

• “It’s my job to keep people calm. If I don’t, things will go wrong, and I’ll be blamed.”
• “When someone is angry or upset, I’m in danger.”
• “I have to monitor everyone’s emotions to keep myself safe.”

This part of me felt frightened and exhausted, still braced for the chaos that might erupt if she didn’t keep everything in check. What she needed now wasn’t more control but reassurance:

• That she is safe.
• That she no longer has to carry this impossible burden.
• That her feelings were real and valid, but it’s time to release them.

I visualised meeting this part of myself in my Heart Space Room.

I told her that she was safe now, that I was here to take care of her, and that she didn’t have to carry this responsibility anymore. As I held her in my Heart Space Room, I sensed a wave of relief washing over both of us—a quiet knowing that she no longer needed to hold onto this role.

For the first time, I felt the freedom of stepping into my own safety.

Healing the Pattern

Many of us carry inner beliefs formed in childhood that no longer serve us as adults. Recognising these outdated scripts is the first step toward releasing them.

This internal processing isn’t just about  gaining intellectual understanding—it's about feeling the emotions fully and letting them move through you.

Tears flowed as I grieved for the little girl who had taken on so much. But in that grief, there was also freedom.

I realised how far I’ve come. The codependent patterns of my past have shifted so much over the years. I no longer need Ken to be my physical anchor in the way I once did. This trigger showed me I’m now also ready to take full responsibility for my own emotions—a huge milestone on my journey.

The Gift of the Trigger

Triggers are never easy, but they’re always a doorway to deeper understanding. This one helped me uncover a part of myself that had been waiting for release. It reminded me that I am safe and that I don’t need to control others to feel secure. 

Now that I’ve seen this pattern, a new path forward opens. It's a reminder to all of us that healing isn't about erasing our past but choosing how we respond in the present.

If you’ve been triggered recently, take a moment to pause. What part of your inner self is asking for compassion? By holding space for these parts of ourselves, we can uncover hidden wisdom and move closer to inner peace.

What triggers are calling you to uncover their hidden gifts?

Love